"Hey Baby"

Yes, those are words that I will forever hear in my head from you, Jenna!! Oh, and "Hey" the way you would say it on the phone..... the same way you said it that last time I talked to you (the night of 6/26/07). I have so many wonderful memories of you... and for that I am truly thankful and know I am a better person for your impact! Thank you for so much! I miss you and love you dearly!

Yes, it has been one year from today that we all lost such an incredible person. One year of tears, smiles and laughs as we remember all the moments... the good and the bad. One year from a day where many of us know exactly what we were doing at that moment we found out Jenna had died. For me, I spoke to Jenna on 6/26/07 on my way home from work. Her mom and the kids had just gotten to Vandy to see her, so I told her I would let her enjoy that time and that I would call her back later that night. I got home that evening and walked to the back yard where Mark and Kaya were at... and said to Mark "I do not know what I will do if I lose Jenna". God was attempting to prepare me for the morning to come. Well, I did not call Jenna back that night as I fell asleep on the couch (I will always wished I had called her like I said I would... but I know she knew I was thinking of her too.. and I am thankful I heard her voice that night earlier). Morning came and I wasn't at work for long when my cell phone rang. It was Chandra telling me that things were not good at all with Jenna. She didn't have all the details but asked if I would post on our board that she needed hard core prayers! She and Barbara were headed to Jenna's house to be with all the kids while Mark and Janna went to the hospital. I spoke to Chandra at least one other time that morning to get updates as they were known. I was also checking the blog that Jenna's sister had started to raise money and give updates. I do not remember the exact time I read the words "Jenna has died" on the site, but I do remember time stopping. It was one of the moments were nothing matter at all. I got up from my desk and went to my lead with tears rushing and my body trembling and just said "she died, I have to go outside". I called Chandra and just said "Is it true?"... hoping so hard that I had mis-read and she said "Yes". She was with all the kids (including Jenna's who did not know about their mom at that point), so she could not call to tell me nor say much. Her and I shared tears... more mine as she had to fight them back for Jenna's kids.

I just remember silence.... I was outside and there was no noise. No birds chirping... no people talking... nothing. Soon a coworker came to join me and just let me fall apart all the while holding me tight. I called Mark who was just down the street in the other building to update him. I couldn't even get the words out.

While a year as gone by... the tears and pain are still there. The shocking pain is not there as much, but there are still moments where I expect her to just show up... especially for a night out! She loved to have our girls nights and just do whatever! There are many more smiles and laughs when I think of Jenna.. oh the stories and good times, thank God for those moments. When I think of of Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jake... the pain is just so intense. Jenna pour everything into them and took so many pictures of their lives together. I so hope the girls will always be able to really remember their mom, and Jake... oh Jake. I was able to see the kids the other day along with Janna. All three of the kids were happy and Janna talked about how well they were doing. It was sureal to see them. Death is part of life, and life does go on... but at the same time, it seems like life has paused for a year.

Today is about celebrating Jenna's life though, so tonight a number of us are going to La Siesta to celebrate with macho margaritas and queso dip!! Jenna and I shared a love for La Siesta and went together on a number of occasions. I loved sharing the queso dip with her but still have not gotten into margaritas. I will never forget the night she went for 3 (yes that is 3) of the macho margaritas as shown in the pic below. She was really done after #2 and had very little of #3... but dang that is still a lot of liquor. Also shown in the pic is one of the many drunk calls she made that night, LOL. We had a blast!! I hold onto that night with a smile! I am looking forward to more smiles and laughs tonight as we all share more stories of you Jenna!

B&B (Bath & Baby)

Who knew taking a bath with an 7.5 week old baby could be so therapatic!! As I was about to get in the shower today, I just decided to take a bath with Connor instead! This is something I never would have thought to do with Kaya when she was so little... I guess I am way more relaxed now and open to such things just because! Well, it helps to not have bad postpartum too... that helps with enjoying the little things for sure.

Of course, I took my first bath with Kaya awhile ago... post Connor being born. That was super sweet too! Just something fun and playful to do every once in awhile... just because.

OK... OMG, I sound like a sick child molester, lol. Oh well, I don't care... I have enjoyed more and more simple things with my kids lately, and I am proud of it! :)

Sersiously!!!

Someone is really going to get hurt now, LOL!!!!! I finally talked with my 'boss' at work today and she was just rude! Basically, she called me a liar (not directly) and seemed to want to fire me on the spot (feeling I got for sure) claiming I have no idea what I am talking about with this whole TN law re: maternity leave!! WTF?! I know what I can read and I am flipping right, so back off!! Bring it on!! Mark is all about them firing me.... b/c then the company would get slapped with a fat lawsuit and that would be an easy win, lol. Mind you, this is the company he works for as well, LMAO!!

Seriously, it just floors me the balls or lack there of that some people have!!! I talked with her on my way to the movie at Opry Mills this morning... I was fuming after talking with her but didn't let it ruin my day. She said "I will be in touch soon" after she told me that I was most likely completely wrong as she understand the laws of FMLA. No shit, sherlock!!! FMLA is 12 weeks... got it, I am done with that. My job is protected for 4 months per this TN law. I have the piece of paperwork... that is all I need!! Bring it on!!! Oh, I did not hear back from her today... hahaha... wonder if she found out I am right after all!!!!!

Foggy waters.... searching for clarity...

Well, that is an interesting title, if I do say so myself, lol. You ask.. what the heck is that one about?? Is it about sailing the ocean? I wish! The ocean in any fashion sounds perfect right now! Poor me... for the first year in 4 years, I will not be going to the beach in NC for the annual family trip... yes I am bummed, but I think I will survive too!! Besides, I am working on an alternate plan.... a trip to CA soon... they have beaches too, LOL.

OK... this post has NOTHING to do with the beach or anything like that... side tracked for a minute. Foggy waters = going back to work... thus searching for clarity!

Since becoming a mother, I have battled the working or not working dilemma. Prior to being a mother, there was NO way I wanted to be a SAHM (if you knew my mother you would understand why this idea never crossed my mind, lol... she raised me to do it all and that seemed like the only option). Then the idea of leaving Kaya in the care of someone else just seemed impossible... plus all I could think about was all the little things I would miss. Well, a fire and a move from CA to TN later solved that for me, lol. Had we remained in CA, I would have gone back to work (as Mark was so not making enough money there), but I would have been able to get STD for awhile to deal with everything from our fire. Well, the move to TN allowed me to collect unemployment for 6 months (yes, when a move is needed for your spouse for a job you can get unemployment... I was all about taking advantage of that one!). That really did help with our 'transition' when we moved here. Then I took an additional 6 months before getting a 'job' (I use quotes loosely b/c I already had a job as full time mom, lol). During those last 6 months, money was pretty tight... plus we were still not home owner's. We (Mark and I) agreed I needed to get a job so we could get a house. This was really my ONLY reason to take the job. Although, I would go back and forth about wanting more than being a SAHM... then again, the idea of someone else with Kaya was just sad to me! At any rate, I worked up until I went out on maternity for Connor. Mind you... the whole time, I just wanted to be at home with Kaya. Amazing how your perspectives can change!!

OK... present day now. Two kids... similar situation. Yes, we bought our first house (which I am still proud to say), but with that of course our expenses are higher. Right now, we really are not financially at a place for me not to bring in some income... yes, we could wing it but it would be very tight, and I know I would go nuts if I couldn't leave the house b/c we didn't have any money, lol. That is not an option at all!! So... you take out the cost of daycare for both kids (nuts how much Connor's cost would be), and I will not bring home much money really... but it is still some money... enough to make things more comfortable. So, originally my plan was to kick ass at Mary Kay and have that as income, so this would all be a mute point. Well, to kick ass at Mary Kay, I have to actual put some effort into it, LMAO. Not that I do not want to put the effort, I just lack the drive to do so right now. Obviously, it must not be too important for me right now... otherwise I would 'just do it'. To my defense, I really need some training in order to have more confidence in selling... and getting that training has been a little tricky so far. But I am going to be doing some very soon. Maybe in a few months, things will be VERY different on that front.

So basically, I have to go back to my job, bottom line. I have until 8/15 before I 'have' to go back (meaning my job is secure until that date), but 7/11 will be my last paycheck, so after that no more money (bring me the money, lol). Mark and I have agreed on the end of July for me to return (I am hoping for 7/28 but it might be better for 7/21 as it will still take a few weeks before I will actually get a pay check). Oh, we have also agreed that me working will not be for too long, for sure. He wants me to be at home as much as I do... hence his focus to get to the next level, thus more money. There again, if he can pull in the amount that I will be bringing home (minus daycare costs), we will be fine. Mark is very open to a lot of things and lets me run with things, but money is something he is pretty nutso about. I have to respect that though as he grew up w/o much money and went through a bankruptcy with his parents. Where my mom had money issues, but I had NO idea as she was adamant about us not knowing.

LONG post (early morning mind running)... bottom line...... I am searching for clarity with returning to work. I keep telling myself it is the right thing to do right now (familiar words when I went to work last April, lol). The reality is... nothing is forever!!!!! I can do this for a few months... likely until the end of the year (possibly not that long) as both Mark and I are focused on the 'big picture'. As long as we stay focused on that, all will be good. It does not mean that it will not be hard for me... oh boy, I still cannot imagine leaving my boy... but again... take advantage of the time we have, that is the name of the game.

OMG.. someone is going to get hurt!!!!!!!

I am SOOOOOO annoyed!!!! I have been trying to actually get some paperwork and phone call crap taken care of this afternoon, and I am only annoyed!!! It doesn't help that Connor has not slept much at all this afternoon and Kaya just wants me, me, me! I got a call yesterday from my boss at work (of course she will not be my boss once I return as she has accepted a new job... that is a whole other story though) that she had gotten a call from HR stating that I would be returning to work on Monday (this coming Monday, 6/30). WTF???? No one let me know that one, LOL. Anyway after numerous calls, the whole shit is still not resolved all the way. I am waiting for a phone call back from the stupid HR department confirming what I already have in paperwork that states my job is protected until 7/20 (at least), which I am planning to return on 7/21.

Then our FSA (Flexible Spending Account) debit card has been suspended because my OB's offices is retarded (this I already knew, lol) and the receipt that I provided is not good enough. So I called the OB office today asking for a detailed receipt to be ready when I come on Tuesday for my 6 week appt (oh, yeah.. Connor will be 8.5 wks old by that point). We will see if they can get me the right flipping receipt b/c I have more medical bills that I need to pay with the FSA debit card.

Seriously... people need to get their heads out of their asses and do their job right the FIRST flipping time!!!!!!!!!!

"My butt is not working!"

Take a moment to envision your 2.5 year old saying that to you when you ask her to try going potty!!! Have the mental picture?? Now, try to imagine not laughing your ass off when she says that!!! Oh, Kaya... I love ya girl... you crack me up!!!

NWOK (Night w/o Kids)!!!

Yes, I am back on the saddle, LMAO... and I did it with a bang, lol! I had gone to see SATC the previous Friday night, but I took Connor. This past Sat night was Zanies night with the girls!! It was a BLAST!!!! It was a special show with comedians from the Bob & Tom Show (love that radio show). I loved the first comedian the best though, and he was not either of the headliners, lol.

Let's see... the night consisted of someone drinking more than planned (still think there was more liquor in those drinks than normal, lol), having her boobs commented by Donnie Baker (yeah baby... about getting the compliment, not by him though, lol), having her boobs signed by Donnie Baker and Dusty (oh Dusty... miss you honey, lol), having to call her 'back up plan' to drive (first time needing that plan), falling flat on her face at Coyote Ugly (seriously they need fewer steps there, lol), and dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly (now I can add that to my resume, lol). You ask who is this 'someone'.... yep, that would be me!!! Yesterday morning, Mark and I were trying to decide which of the these things classified as the most embarrassing, lol. He thought not being responsible enough that I had to call my 'back up plan' to drive was pretty bad. As I told him, no... the responsible thing was not driving!! Anyway, embarrassing or not... it was all fun and I had a blast!!! Thanks girls!!!

Oh... Mark, Kaya and Connor did just fine!! I only got one call from Mark while I was out and that was so Kaya could left a vm to say good night to me. I then called Mark a number of times... during my drunk call phase, lol. Oh, I had to give him play by play updates, lol... like he cared at all! Sorry to others who received drunk calls from me, LOL.

Movie Under the Stars!

Cost of movie in the park = $0.00

Cost of 2 snow cones for myself and Kaya = $1.50

Cost of gas to get to the movie in the park = hate to guess, likely more than the snow cones, lol

Cost of seeing the look of amazement on my daughter's face while watching a movie in the park that she plays at all the time = PRICELESS

Because of this last item, we will be going back to the movie in the park as many times this summer as possible. Last night was Charlotte's Web (which I had not seen the new one) and we all loved the movie. I pointed to the moon last night and Kaya looked at it with awww as it was an orange moon. She loves to point at the moon and talk about it (even during the day when it is out), so she loved seeing the rare orange moon. This morning when she woke up, the first thing she told me was about the orange moon and then she talked about Wilbur and Charlotte. I need to get her that book.

JUNIOR WINS!!!

Yes, it is true.. my boy (Dale Earnhardt Jr) won the race yesterday!!! He ended a LONG losing streak that lasted 2+ years. What a great anniversary present for myself, just kidding honey!! If you want read about it on nascar.com

Crazy Times!!

So... plans for last week changed almost each and every day, lol. Oh well. Kaya was 'sick' a few days with what seemed to be just a fever at night and then totally fine during the day. Well, then I started feeling icky Friday... thinking I was getting a breast infection. I went to the clinic at Walgreen's and I have strep throat!!! Totally felt bad as a mother thinking Kaya had been likely suffering from that since last Tuesday. We took her to the doc yesterday and they did the strep culture (as the doc did not think her tonsils looked for sure like strep). I have not heard back on the results yet. I have to think that she has it though and shared it with me. We will see.

We had a very busy weekend! Friday night, I went to dinner and Sex and the City with some friends! It was great to finally see the movie and to get out too (Connor joined me and slept through the whole movie). Saturday was Kaya's first swimming lesson!! They didn't do much for the first lesson, but Kaya loved it anyway. She didn't fully understand why she could stay to swim longer but we talked about going back Sunday. Then a few errands before home for nap time. I went to the clinic and then we all went to the drive-in to see Kung Fu Panda. Kaya was so excited to see Joshua there!! They are so cute together, lol. Nothing says Happy Father's Day like Mark mowing the lawn, lol. Poor guy... but it HAD to get done. I washed the car while Kaya was napping. Then we went back to the pool. Connor had his first 'swim' which he seemed to enjoy! I had fun swimming with Kaya, as I have not been the one doing that lately. Then dinner out and then go carting time!! Kaya LOVES to go go carting and Mark said he wanted to do that for Papa's Day. I took Kaya out for one ride... again, something I have not been able to do with her.

Connor had two awesome nights in a row of sleeping 7+ hours straight!! Now that was awesome!!! OK... as I look ahead to this week, I am already tired, lol. My house needs some serious attention. I need to get flights and plans arranged from my dad and little sister to visit (separate trips), Mark is out of town Wed-Fri night (get to try out being on my own at night for the first time, yeah, lol)...... and yet I have NO motivation to get any of this crap accomplished, lol. Hopefully something will inspire me soon!!!

Oh, today is my anniversary... not like I have totally forgotten, lol. Just pre-occupied I guess. 7 years ago today.... that was really a wonderful day!!! I do not normally get all mushy about Mark, lol... as he would say I need to do more, lol. But really... Everything from the horse and carriage to my dress to all of those important to us being there.... to making the ultimate commitment to the man I want to be with always..... I am a lucky girl!!!

5 weeks & 4 days

Here is a pic of Kaya at that age...


Connor at that age (today)...


The events that happened the night Kaya was 5 weeks & 4 days old...



Today, we are re-writing history...

and Forward...

Monday: Margie is coming over to hang with Connor and me for awhile. I need to get going on my organization projects.
Tuesday: Swimming at neighbor's parents pool.
Wednesday: Connor's dr appt and errands.
Thursday: Possible lunch with a few friends.
Friday: Possible swimming at Patterson with some friends.
Sat: Kaya starts swimming lessons with Papa.
Sun: rest day, I am sure! I imagine will be in the water somewhere, LOL.

Again, the theme seems to be water, water, water... I wonder why... maybe b/c it is flipping HOT!!!! Mark said last night that it was supposed to be cooler this week and in the 80's... yeah, a high of 89 does not count as "in the 80's" if you ask me!!!!!!

A Look Back....

Last week was a busy one...
Monday: took Grammy to the airport (sad to see her go) then hit up Super Target on the way home. I think that was my first trip to Target with both kids (nope, thought more and it wasn't... hard to keep me from Target).
Tuesday: took Kaya to school and Connor and I chilled at home (good thing b/c the rest of the week was busy).
Wednesday: Connor and I went to a marathon playdate at Chandra's. I had planned to go to the BFing class afterwards, so I took Kaya to school. I could have brought here though.. and should have, lol.
Thursday: Kaya to school again... dentist appt for me (cleaning only) which Connor did super good at the dentist. Set up dentist appt for Kaya (crazy to think she is old enough for the dentist). Then we went to Target, Old Navy, Kohl's, drop off three bills. We picked Kaya and headed for Sonic and slushes.
Friday: Splash Park with both kids in tow (am I nuts, lol). Kaya had a blast and did really well playing on her own while I was in the shade with Connor. We headed home for nap time aferwards, and when Papa got home we played with the giant beach ball that shots water out of it.
Saturday: Nashville Shores day for Cardinal's company picnic. Cool place... but not worth paying for it at Kaya's age (we spent all of $4.50 on an ICEE the whole day). Kaya had fun in the kiddie pool and the boat ride. There again, Mark and I rotated with Connor in the shade. We had a snake join the 100+ (no idea how many people were there) of us then it came back again. That wasn't so fun, LOL.
Sunday: Hang out at home day, but water was called for outside. We got out the slip n slide for Kaya. She had a hard time getting the idea of how to 'slide'. I tried to show her but she still had a blast.

Clevage shots!!!!

Yes... you read that right!! That was what I was doing one year ago from now!! It was Bunco at Jenna's where there were just six of us but dang we had a blast. The night consisted of spilled tequila all over Jenna's dining room floor and taking pics of our cleavage... you cannot ask for a better night, LOL! It was a blast, largely because of Jenna's fun spin on every moment....... and it was also the last time I would see Jenna as Jenna.

As I woke about an hour ago when Connor was ready to eat, I could not help but think of you Jenna... I knew 6/8 was coming and what that meant, so the tears and the laughter began all at the same time. From cleaning up the spilled tequila and airing out the room from the smell to all of us pushing our boobs together to get the best cleavage shot (cannot remember who had that idea... but it was a good one, lol), it was just a fun night with the girls but also a great memory of the last time I saw you. There was a moment that night that has haunted me since... you were sitting on your couch with Ashlee on your lap talking about the possible places for you to recover after your bone marrow transplant to come after Will would be born... and there was this look in your eyes of such concern. At that time, I obviously understood the look and my heart felt so for you. After you passed (I still struggle with saying "died" and your name in the same sentence), I thought back to that night..... and I could not help but remember that look in your eyes... and think you knew you were not going to make it as you held extra tight onto Ashlee. I knew that was your biggest fear... not making it for your kids... and that was my biggest fear for you too. My heart breaks whenever I think about Ash, Kaity and Jake (and Will as he never got to see your face)... and how much it majorly SUCKS that new memories cannot be created.

Thank you for the memories I do have of you... for nights like the one a year ago... for being you... for letting me into your life....... I am forever changed. Miss you and love you.

Happy 1 Month Birthday Connor!!

Happy 1 month Birthday Connor!!!

Yes it is true... you are one month old today!! I am stealing an idea from Chandra to write a letter to you each month... which I will look forward to documenting your newest achievements and funny stories!!

Having you in my life is truly an amazing blessing!! I love you and your sister so much!! I still remember your Papa saying “It’s a Boy” when everyone in that delivery room learned you would be Connor William for the first time!! Your Papa was so excited to have a son, and I was equally excited!! I am still slow to learn that I should put a towel over you during diaper changes, lol. You have gotten me and the wall a few times… you would think I would catch on!!

On May 19th (2 weeks & 2 days old), you had a weight check appointment and you were 8 lbs, 13 ounces. Dr. Rosser would have liked you to be back at birth weight (as that usually happens by 2 weeks old), but he was not too worried as you were eating and peeing/pooping well. I took you to the breastfeeding class at the hospital that Wednesday (5/21) where you weighed 8 lbs, 15 ounces before I fed you and then 9 lbs 2 ounces after (that is 3 ozs for that feeding, WOW)! This helped reassure me that you were doing just fine as experts say 1-2 ozs is a typically feeding at that age! We are still working on a nickname for you. Your Papa wants “Bam Bam” to stick as your sister is “Boo Boo”, but I am not sold on the idea, lol. Oh, Papa sings you a song that he made up just for you (like he did for your sister when she was a baby). I will get this on video soon. You LOVE your Papa’s deep voice… and you love when he sings to you at night!

You are such a good boy!! You have been an incredible sleeper as well. The night before last (night of 6/1/08), you ate at 7:30 and flew asleep at 10:00. You did not wake up to eat again until 4:00am (8.5 hours between feedings)!! Both your Papa and I checked you to make sure you were still warm! While that was not a normal night, you still go 4-6 hours between nightly feedings. During the day, you like to eat 2-3 hours apart… you have to do that with all that time you are going between feedings at night. You only take 15-20 minutes to eat each time as well. From your first breastfeeding experience when you were 20 minutes old, you get right down to business which is wonderful for both you and me!! Right now, you have thrush… poor guy. I am working hard to clear that up for both you and myself. It seems to cause you some discomfort in your mouth, but in all you seem hardly effected. You have some baby acne right now, but it is not that bad. You are finally done peeling your skin from being in Mama’s belly for a bit too long! You are starting to get some meat on your bones, but I am still amazed with how skinny you seem (you are very long though).

You are such a sweet boy too!! You have given me a number of smiles (I believe these are real smiles and not just gas, lol)! Speaking of gas, you are VERY good in that department. You seem to get it out one way or another quite well (I am sure you are thankful for that, lol). No matter where you are (swing, floor, in my arms, couch), you love to just look around! You are drawn to my face (and others too) and light from windows! Oh, you love being outside too!! I have two outdoor kids… just like their Mama! We are spending a lot of time outdoors before the summer heat gets too bad. You are liking your tummy time too. I just started this last week and at first you were not a fan, but today you seem to like maneuvering your way around in a circle and almost flipped over to your back. You have been a number of places in your first month… the airport twice, 5+ restaurants, Target (numerous times, lol), Kohl’s, ice cream shops (hey, you love your second hand ice cream, lol), Discovery Center and more. You have had a number of visitors as well… including both of your Grandmother’s (Grandma was here for your birth and left on 5/8 and Grammy was here 5-19 thru yesterday 6/2).

Your sister loves to console you when you cry. She is very sweet and generous with her kisses and hugs. One day last week, she decided to pick you up from the swing and handed you to me. She was very gentle with you but it still made me nervous. She just loves you so much and is VERY protective of you! If she does not see you, she immediately asks where you are. She gets a little panicked if we do anything out of the norm (like if we leave your car seat somewhere other than with you, lol).

I love you my sweet boy Connor!!! I have enjoyed your first month so much!!! Thank you for being you!! Here are a few pictures of you today on your 1 month birthday!!!