Foggy waters.... searching for clarity...

Well, that is an interesting title, if I do say so myself, lol. You ask.. what the heck is that one about?? Is it about sailing the ocean? I wish! The ocean in any fashion sounds perfect right now! Poor me... for the first year in 4 years, I will not be going to the beach in NC for the annual family trip... yes I am bummed, but I think I will survive too!! Besides, I am working on an alternate plan.... a trip to CA soon... they have beaches too, LOL.

OK... this post has NOTHING to do with the beach or anything like that... side tracked for a minute. Foggy waters = going back to work... thus searching for clarity!

Since becoming a mother, I have battled the working or not working dilemma. Prior to being a mother, there was NO way I wanted to be a SAHM (if you knew my mother you would understand why this idea never crossed my mind, lol... she raised me to do it all and that seemed like the only option). Then the idea of leaving Kaya in the care of someone else just seemed impossible... plus all I could think about was all the little things I would miss. Well, a fire and a move from CA to TN later solved that for me, lol. Had we remained in CA, I would have gone back to work (as Mark was so not making enough money there), but I would have been able to get STD for awhile to deal with everything from our fire. Well, the move to TN allowed me to collect unemployment for 6 months (yes, when a move is needed for your spouse for a job you can get unemployment... I was all about taking advantage of that one!). That really did help with our 'transition' when we moved here. Then I took an additional 6 months before getting a 'job' (I use quotes loosely b/c I already had a job as full time mom, lol). During those last 6 months, money was pretty tight... plus we were still not home owner's. We (Mark and I) agreed I needed to get a job so we could get a house. This was really my ONLY reason to take the job. Although, I would go back and forth about wanting more than being a SAHM... then again, the idea of someone else with Kaya was just sad to me! At any rate, I worked up until I went out on maternity for Connor. Mind you... the whole time, I just wanted to be at home with Kaya. Amazing how your perspectives can change!!

OK... present day now. Two kids... similar situation. Yes, we bought our first house (which I am still proud to say), but with that of course our expenses are higher. Right now, we really are not financially at a place for me not to bring in some income... yes, we could wing it but it would be very tight, and I know I would go nuts if I couldn't leave the house b/c we didn't have any money, lol. That is not an option at all!! So... you take out the cost of daycare for both kids (nuts how much Connor's cost would be), and I will not bring home much money really... but it is still some money... enough to make things more comfortable. So, originally my plan was to kick ass at Mary Kay and have that as income, so this would all be a mute point. Well, to kick ass at Mary Kay, I have to actual put some effort into it, LMAO. Not that I do not want to put the effort, I just lack the drive to do so right now. Obviously, it must not be too important for me right now... otherwise I would 'just do it'. To my defense, I really need some training in order to have more confidence in selling... and getting that training has been a little tricky so far. But I am going to be doing some very soon. Maybe in a few months, things will be VERY different on that front.

So basically, I have to go back to my job, bottom line. I have until 8/15 before I 'have' to go back (meaning my job is secure until that date), but 7/11 will be my last paycheck, so after that no more money (bring me the money, lol). Mark and I have agreed on the end of July for me to return (I am hoping for 7/28 but it might be better for 7/21 as it will still take a few weeks before I will actually get a pay check). Oh, we have also agreed that me working will not be for too long, for sure. He wants me to be at home as much as I do... hence his focus to get to the next level, thus more money. There again, if he can pull in the amount that I will be bringing home (minus daycare costs), we will be fine. Mark is very open to a lot of things and lets me run with things, but money is something he is pretty nutso about. I have to respect that though as he grew up w/o much money and went through a bankruptcy with his parents. Where my mom had money issues, but I had NO idea as she was adamant about us not knowing.

LONG post (early morning mind running)... bottom line...... I am searching for clarity with returning to work. I keep telling myself it is the right thing to do right now (familiar words when I went to work last April, lol). The reality is... nothing is forever!!!!! I can do this for a few months... likely until the end of the year (possibly not that long) as both Mark and I are focused on the 'big picture'. As long as we stay focused on that, all will be good. It does not mean that it will not be hard for me... oh boy, I still cannot imagine leaving my boy... but again... take advantage of the time we have, that is the name of the game.